catholic saturday: perhaps my idol is independence

I gave up sugar for Lent which sounds so cliche, right? How many Catholics say “I’ll give up sugar, I’ll give up chocolate?”

I think now my true idol was independence, not sugar. Sugar was the face of the deeper issue.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with food and body image. No, I didn’t binge or purge, but I did overeat in high school to fill up the unhappy, depressed parts of me. It’s no wonder I lost weight when I left home and went to college. I had left the environment that made me so sad and feeling unloved.

My mother is somewhat obsessed with appearance, body image, weight, and food. I hated going clothes shopping with her. She tried to put both of us on a grapefruit and tunafish diet in high school. Blah! She made comments about me behind my back for years.

Growing up in that type of atmosphere created this false sense of depending only on myself. I wasn’t open with people. I struggled and still struggle to be vulnerable with my husband and children.

Pope Francis’ Gospel reflections
The nostalgia to return to the idols, to return to the worst, not to know how to wait for the Living God. This nostalgia is an illness, and it is also ours. One begins to walk enthusiastically toward freedom, but then the complaints begin: “But yes, this is a difficult moment, the desert, I am thirsty, I want water, I want meat… but in Egypt we ate onions, good things, and here there aren’t any…”. (…)

The question I would like to ask us all today, all of us, is: What are my idols? Each one has his or her own. What are my idols? Where do I hide them?

May the Lord not find us at the end of our lives, and say to us: “You apostasized. You deviated from the way that I marked out for you. You prostrated yourself before an idol”. Let us ask the Lord for the grace of recognizing our own idols. And if we cannot banish them, at least to keep them in the corner… (Santa Marta, 26 March 2020)

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope-francis/mass-casa-santa-marta/2020-03/pope-doctors-heroes-paralytic-acedia-tepidity-water.html?fbclid=IwAR1imPG25aR72jeq3xkPj2E8kmM0VAC2CaFjP35jyOe8U1tcdfoVrQM29ok

About 7 or 8 years ago, I tried the Whole30 diet. For years, I had grown our vegetables organically, made food from scratch, learned about Weston Price, and learned about herbal supplements. The Whole30 was an extension of that commitment to true, healthy eating. It also helped break my unhealthy relationship with sugar. I used sugar to help me feel better, but I ended up feeling worse with these horrible headaches.

Last August, I went on blood pressure medication after I had spent several years trying to keep my blood pressure low through eating and exercise. Perimenopause, a series of injuries, illnesses, and depression interfered with my eating and exercise. I had held out until I had a huge spike in blood pressure during an ear infection. I’m sure getting Covid earlier in the year didn’t help.

Since starting the medication, I’ve struggled with eating sugar. I’ve been frustrated, and embarrassed. I look healthy, but I’ve gained 10 lbs. and need to take blood pressure medication. This doesn’t fit my image of myself as a healthy, independent person.

And, that is my true idol.

Though I didn’t realize it until this morning. Independence helped me to survive feeling unloved by my mom and sister. It helped me survive so many things in my life. But, independence isn’t helping me anymore. It’s become an idol.

What’s holding you back?