time for a reboot

I started writing this post last week. Perhaps I needed more time to process what I’m going to say here.

I’m not sure why, but I’ve struggled to write about daily life here since my entire family was sick in late January. I had a rhythm going with daily photos and posts, and then it seemed too hard to keep going. I’ve struggled with some of my habits, too, on the Streak app.

Lent has been a reboot, though not a complete one so far. Ash Wednesday falling toward the end of February has allowed me to use the beginning of a new month as a reboot. I need to get my head into a different space.

I think I’m in this headspace because I have my yearly physical coming up in 2 weeks. I’m frustrated with myself over some of my choices. I’m also frustrated with my struggle to lose the weight I gained this fall after starting blood pressure medicine in August and dealing with multiple ear infections. Let me qualify that last sentence with no, it’s not serious weight gain, however, it’s enough that I don’t feel comfortable.

So, I need to reset my intentions toward myself. I think we all get into a headspace at some point where we beat ourselves up for choices and things out of our control. Some would say is that how we would treat our friends? Or, would we allow our friends to treat themselves that way?

For me, I find myself circling back to a truth at the foundation of my Catholic faith. God loves me with unconditional love and mercy. He offers me unconditional love and mercy. When I make bad choices for myself, I am choosing not to accept that unconditional love and mercy. I can choose to act in such a way as to draw farther away from God and not be a steward of His creation, or I can choose to draw closer to God with my thoughts, desires, will, and body.

Discipline is not an easy lifestyle. When I look to the saints, I know many struggled with discipline and submission to God’s will themselves. Father William Doyle, an Irish priest, wrote frequently of his battle with butter. We learn discipline through small changes and prayer.

I am always reminded of the conversations between the demons in C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters. The demons don’t pursue the main character with great big temptations. They nudge him along with small choices to encourage him to step away from God towards greater sinful acts.

“… the safest road to hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

So, I find myself considering how to set myself up for choices that love me as God loves me. Some are easy to set up like making sure I get enough sleep and take the necessary supplements. For fitness, I’m taking a break from the Mindpump programs for at least a month and circling back to kettlebells. I have so many fun kettlebell workouts from the time when I trained for a Spartan race.

Food is the hardest choice right now. For years, I had retrained myself not to have a sweet tooth. Doing the Whole30, Paleo and Keto diets all helped with this. However, after starting blood pressure medicine, I found myself gravitating back towards sweets, after I thought I had the discipline to stay away. I decided to start recording meals again in the MyFitness Pal app. I can monitor what I eat to ensure I eat enough protein and stick to healthy carbs.

Finally, I will finish reading Atomic Habits to reinforce setting up small habits that will accrue over time in an environment that supports healthy habits.