When I choose the title for this post, I thought I would write about the community that came around us after we lost John almost 3 years ago. Something sparked that thought this morning, though it feels like such a long time ago now at 3:30 pm.
Perhaps I was thinking of our experiences of community when a friend of mine shared his experience after his wife had a stroke. Their parish community rallied around them with meals and rides for the kids. Even though it was well over 20 years ago, I could feel the strength of those memories in my friend.
Looking back, I find much of that time after finding John dead was a blur. There are brief moments of time that stick. The care and concern of the police officers when they arrived. My sister-in-law coming to stay almost all day after a frantic phone call. My friend, a deacon, who came to pray over John before he was taken away. Our pastor and the parish business manager came to see us almost immediately.
I remember sitting with the funeral director who patiently helped us work through the surreal experience of picking a coffin for our son and a place for him to rest. My friend, the deacon, returned later with his wife to help us with the readings and hymns for the funeral mass. So many people from so many moments in John’s life, our life turned out for the visitation and funeral. A long-time family friend beautifully did the readings for us during mass. Several people in the school and parish took care of the funeral luncheon for us.
Our parish school community provided a month’s worth of meals at a time when we were quarantined for the Covid pandemic. Folks would come by to go on walks with us to keep within the social distancing guidelines yet not distance themselves from our grief and loss. Other people would come by for a visit outdoors. My youngest son celebrated his birthday with the help of a birthday car parade organized by the parents of his classmates.
Looking back, I don’t know how we go through the first 6 months, the first year after losing John. He left 2 notes, neither of which is addressed to anyone specific. He left few clues as to his state of mind and his reasons for such a final decision.
But I do know the people in our life carried us. They mourned with us, they remembered John with us. They felt and feel the loss of a young person who hid every bit of his pain from the people who loved him.
In 2019, 61% of Americans over 18 were lonely. The number is higher for teens and young adults. While I haven’t found numbers for post-COVID, I would anticipate the same portion or higher to be lonely. According to the results of the Harvard Study of Human Development, loneliness rivals smoking, alcoholism, and obesity as health risk factors. Intentional relationship building at any time can help change the risk. But it has to be intentional, especially now with the busyness in our society, addiction to social media, and the increased level of anger being fostered.
All I know is that the people we built relationships with over a lifetime helped carry us when we needed them. I can only hope I can do the same in return.
2 dogs and a house 
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